Somewhere In Between
by Christine9
Summary: Songfic to Lifehouse's Somewhere In Between- Roger thinking and worrying.


I can't be  
  
Losing sleep over this,  
  
No I can't.  
  
And now I cannot stop pacing.  
  
Give me a few hours  
  
I'll have this all sorted out,  
  
If my mind would just stop racing.  
  
I should be in bed. It's four o'clock and have rehearsal tomorrow at nine. But I can't fall asleep thinking about this. Five steps towards the window, five steps back, five steps towards the window, five steps back. I need to figure this out, but my mind is a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, possibilities.... We kissed. Did it even mean anything? It was no one's fault... it took two of us to complete the action. Was it a fleeting idea that meant nothing to either of us? Was it an eruption of passion that we have been suppressing for eight years? Did it mean something to me? Did it mean something to you? I can't even tell how I feel about this. It felt right, but at the same time it was so strange. I was always told something like this was wrong... but how could something so wrong feel right? I'm at such a complete loss right now the two could be misplaced in my fucked-up mind.  
  
My head is filled with images from the past eight years. When we first met in sixth period photo class in high school, when you let me live in your guestroom when my father kicked me out, when we first arrived in New York with no jobs and $1,000 each, when you supported me and let me cry when we found out I was HIV positive, when I punched you and broke your glasses because you wouldn't let me out of the loft to get another fix, the desperate look on your face when I wouldn't part with April's dead body... How do I know what was merely friendship and what was a signal of more than that? When you say you love me do you mean like a brother like I assumed, or is there more?  
  
Cause I cannot stand still,  
  
I can't be this unsturdy...  
  
This cannot be happening.  
  
I wish you could hear me pacing back and forth; it would at least let you know I'm as confused and upset over this as I think you are. How could you not? We kissed for Christ's sake. What are you thinking Mark? What the hell am I thinking? I want this to be right, but I can't deal with it. I'm infamous for being scared of relationships and not trusting people. But I know I can trust you... I've been trusting you with my life for the past eight years. But that was a friendship, what if this changes everything? I don't want it to change... why can't it just be the same as it was before, except just... a little different. God, I don't know what I want. I should trust you with my heart but I don't know if I can. I wouldn't even want you to trust me with yours. You're the most important person to me and wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you. I want to love you, I really do. But I'm scared. God, I'm so scared... I'm dying... I know I can't help it but I don't want to hurt you by doing that... If we're just friends when I die, it won't mean as much... God, who am I kidding? Even if we're not together, my going away will hurt just as much. It's selfish, but I don't want to feel guilty for leaving you here... If we're involved, I don't want to hurt you by leaving. I want to be here always to love and protect you from all the harshness I really know I couldn't shelter you from if I tried.  
  
This is over my head  
  
But underneath my feet.  
  
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat.  
  
And everything will be back to the way that it was;  
  
I wish that it was just that easy.  
  
How did I get myself into this? No one in their right mind would have thought I would be up at 4:18 AM thinking about just kissing you. Mark. My best friend. My male best friend. I guess it doesn't really matter though... You're Mark, my Mark. The Mark who loves Central Park, that always whines for me to feed him soup when he's sick, who won't go to bed until he's cut together his film, who's scared of the dark, whose favorite food is mashed potatoes, who hates clubs but goes to them anyway, who coughs when he tries a cigarette, who loves to get really drunk, who I hope loves me. You're Mark. The familiar face I've lived with for so long. I can face you without a problem. I've been doing it for so long, why should it change now? We could always just go back to how it was before and forget this ever happened. It's just a small physical action; it had to be tried out sometime, right? Who the fuck am I kidding? This is a huge event... when we kissed... it was like all the harsh, bleak, and blackened severity that is life melted away like a layer that was longing to be eliminated. We were in our own world where addiction, disease, mortality, and money- grubbing yuppies couldn't touch us. I discovered a newness about you... I saw all the experiences we went through in a new and different light. Discovering you was unlike kissing anyone before... I can't explain it, but I know you feel it too. I can't forget that feeling, and I'm not even sure I want to.  
  
Cause I'm waiting for tonight  
  
Then waiting for tomorrow.  
  
I'm somewhere in between  
  
What is real  
  
And just a dream...  
  
What is real  
  
And just a dream...  
  
What is real  
  
And just a dream...  
  
Tonight was supposed to be a great night, and I guess it was in a way. We had both been really busy lately; I always had rehearsals and you were working on a film for your new project. It just seemed like we never had time to be best friends anymore. Tonight was supposed to be a "bonding night" for just the two of us. I guess it was. I was looking forward to this night... but I didn't expect it to end with you running out and myself standing frozen while you left. Running away is usually my job; this was the first time I was stuck standing still. I couldn't move forwards or backwards... I just stood, feeling the harsh cold air on my lips where yours had just been. The slam of the door woke me out of my stupor, but you were already gone. I hope you didn't go and do something stupid... something I would do. If this hadn't been something so different... if it were just a huge fight over something stupid I probably would've tracked down the man again, gotten drunk at a bar, or brought home some trashy girl... But this was a kiss. I'm starting to doubt that it's even real. I'm starting to think that it's not the bartender from CBGB's that I want. I'm starting to think it's you I want. I'm starting to think that I liked that kiss and I love you in a different way than I thought before. The more I think of the possibilities, the more excited I become. Could you be the one person who actually understands me and my fucked-up ways? Could we have been the perfect match all along and just never knew it? Pictures of us cuddling and holding hands and kissing flood my head and I smile. Could this honestly be real? Could I not only love you, but be in love with you? I finally realize I have the desire for you to come walking back through that door and kiss me again...  
  
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?  
  
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.  
  
I don't want to run away from this,  
  
I know that I just don't need this.  
  
I stop pacing for the first time. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder who I am... how did I get here? I feel like you reflecting on the past, thinking about all the times and experiences we've endured. I can't help but think that I wouldn't be the same without you. You've made me who I am and I can't believe I've never noticed that I've fallen for you. I know I would do anything for you; you could walk all over me if you wanted to, and I would let you. But you never would... even if I threw myself at you, you'd protect and love me, I don't doubt that. My father had always taught me to be tough; the macho man in the relationship... Showing any kind of weakness in my household was unacceptable. But with you... you've seen me at my worst already. You've watched me crumble on the floor when I was going through withdrawal, cry, yell, hit things, put my hand through a wall. I've been weak around you, and you haven't done anything to hurt me; I don't have a reason to run this time. I know you so well, there's so little risk... Yet something that could be sacrificed is our friendship... It's possible that you don't feel the same, and then I'd have gone and fucked things up. Again. I hate making these decisions... I've always been horrible at deciding things... endlessly vacillating between choices until it's too late. I do know I love you, but I don't know if I should act on this... I can't make this decision.  
  
Cause I cannot stand still,  
  
I can't be this unsturdy.  
  
This cannot be happening.  
  
I can't just stand here anymore... I walk out of my room into the kitchen. I'm tired. Tired of thinking about this, tired of not having a decision. I sit down in a chair at the table and rest my head on my arms. 4:26. Where are you? I try to think of places you could have gone, and I can come up with only one. Seeing as the Life is closed and you hate clubs... the only place you could be is at that bar down the street. I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy and worry... why aren't you here with me? Are you out kissing someone that's not me? But why me? Most importantly, why you? If people could only see me now... Roger Davis distraught about kissing his best friend. But you know what? They're not here, they wouldn't know what we've gone through. Fuck them.  
  
Cause I'm waiting for tonight,  
  
Then waiting for tomorrow.  
  
And I'm somewhere in between.  
  
I hear footsteps on the creaky stairs outside the loft. You open the door and I lift my head from my arms. You look at me with your hazel eyes that show confusion, fear, love, want, and need all concentrated into one moment of eye contact. I get up and face you... now that I see you I remember so clearly why I kissed you the first time.  
  
What is real  
  
Just a dream...  
  
"Hey... Where were you?" I genuinely want to know... the bar? You're not drunk, I can tell.  
  
"I just went for a... walk," pause. "A long walk," You offer me a weak smile, but never break the eye contact.  
  
I can't believe I was actually debating this before. Is it that much of a hard fucking decision? What was I thinking?  
  
What is real  
  
I love you and nothing should come in the way of that. Not guilt, not fear, not risks. I walk towards you and put my hand on the back of your head, pulling you into a passionate kiss. This isn't like kissing anyone else, it's kissing my soul mate, my other half. I feel complete... comfortable... secure... open to anything and it doesn't seem to matter I'll let the bad in with the good. It's somehow worth it now. We break apart; we hug.  
  
"I love you" I whisper into your hair.  
  
"I love you too"  
  
Just a dream...  
  
I close my eyes and breathe in. I thank you. For helping me; for saving me. I thank God for this moment being real. 


End file.
